I Want To Die But I Want To Eat Tteokbokki by Baek Sehee

*spoiler-free*

I Want To Die But I Want To Eat Tteokbokki by Baek Sehee, a translated book by Anton Hur, was originally a best seller in Korea. Part memoir and part self-help book, this book is about Sehee and her discussion around her mental health issues. A large part of the book consists of Sehee’s transcriptions of her sessions with her psychiatrist as she uncovers the root of her dysthymia (persistent depressive disorder) despite the perfect picture she presents to the outside world.

What I found refreshing about this book is how it explores the discussion around depression; how it is viewed by others and what is ‘acceptable’. There’s a misconception that someone suffering will be the stereotypical ‘not be able to get out of bed person’ or the polar extreme where someone who seems completely fine on the surface, and you would never know something was wrong. This book is good at highlighting how mental health issues can be on a spectrum and only the person suffering will fully understand the depths of their emotions.

It was interesting to read about someone who is seeking help but is still transparent with their evolving issues day-to-day. Sometimes reading self-help books or memoirs about mental health, the ‘solution’ is reaching out for help and that being the end-all, which can feel unrealistic and even patronising. This is one of the first books I have read that discuss mental health issues realistically, which was oddly comforting to read.

I doubt I could ever again be as candid in a book as I was this one.

As I am used to reading fiction, I did find this book quite intense to read but I am aware I usually read for escapism, so it possibly drained me more than usual. I enjoyed the psychiatrist’s note towards the end of the book but did find the first half a lot more engaging than the second due to the conversational style that was initially used. I found the last chunk of chapters of the book disjointed as it seemed to be Sehee’s random thoughts thrown in at the end. There wasn’t really an end to the book that does seem appropriate for the context in which the book is based on.

Whilst I found it curious to see how culture affects how mental health issues are dealt with, I didn’t find anything in this book particularly revolutionary in terms of the self-help book side of things. As a result, whilst marketed as such, I didn’t feel this book fit into either the self-help book or memoir genre as it consists of transcripts and general discussions. I would have liked to learn a lot more about Sehee as a person to understand the full picture.

On the whole, the book fell a little flat to me, particularly in the second half, but I still appreciated being able to read someone else’s private and intimate therapy sessions.

3/5 stars